Bathroom advice

Though I try rigorously to avoid it, I've seen my fair share of public bathrooms recently. My three-pronged approach – drink as little as possible, breakfast strategically, avoid preemptive strikes (also known in some parts as "breaking the seal") – is quite robust but occasionally fails me on long trips, usually because I do something wussy like get thirsty. It is wise to weigh the options well before an emergency situation arises so as to avoid experiences it will take a lifetime or possibly extreme old age to forget. I am a big fan of the museum bathroom, my experience in the superheated, permanently-occupied National Gallery of Scotland toilet notwithstanding; hotel lobbies are also nice. But if you want plan this out way ahead of time and/or become a total bathroom snob, check out The Bathroom Diaries.

There you will find among other over-the-top bathroom venues this flowery "Golden Plunger" winner over at the Shoji Tabuchi Theatre. Down in Branson, Missouri, they prefer "good old-fashioned hedonism." Either this is one PDG bathroom or their fan base is not quite representative of the general public – I only know two other people who even have the pleasure of knowing about Shoji Tabuchi (up until this moment, of course). Anyway, Golden Plunger or not, who needs to visit Branson now that they make VHS tapes of the show?

Stuck in committee in the capitol city (but better than on a plane)

Other than politicians and real estate agents, is there anyone easier to vilify than the airline people? It's doubtful. I'm not one to kick a man while he's down, but I have some bad feelings about how some airlines do business, i.e., dubiously, and I shan't decorously stifle them any longer. (Wait, what is this feeling? Is it concern? Political concern? Is some dormant interest awakening in this prematurely disaffected political curmudgeon? Also doubtful.)

In any case, I don't plan for this to be a rant. I won't even belabor how annoying it is that you have to pay for a bit of water on most flights. There are real irritations and injustices to complain about – people stuck on airplanes for hours and hours, overbooking, unfair bumping, deceptive "on time" techniques, route cancellations.... I'm pretty sure the personal anecdotes on this topic are infinite. Not to mention the price-fixing, trust-like actions we may or may not ever hear about.

Some may continue to give airline companies the benefit of the doubt – blame it on weather, costs, regulations, etc. I think I understand it is difficult to work with so many restrictions. But at some point one must wonder why policies that lead to such vexing and at times inhumane situations have continued. Such terrible service is unamerican! Seriously.

The EU's provision for Air Passenger's Rights has been functioning for years now. The market has not imploded. You can still fly very cheaply between most cities. Bathrooms are still free. And sometimes you still get sandwiches. Dignity intact.

HR915, a bill that just passed the House this spring and is in a Senate committee at the moment, is attempt to rectify some of these problems (though focuses more the inhumanity and inconvenience than the lack of sandwiches). Because I am so fair and balanced, I provide also for your review the GOP cheat sheet, which suggests some good reasons to be disagreeable.

In case you didn't do an internship for Dick Durbin, you should know it's a long, long wait while it's sitting in committee (more on that process here). The committee here would be the Senate Committee for Commerce, Science, and Transportation. The showdown between John D. Rockefeller IV and Kay Bailey Hutchinson should be thrilling. It's not actually clear to me when or if this bill will actually be debated in committee, but it's good to know it's come so far.

My favorite part of the bill, by the way, is Section 41724, which outlaws "voice communications using mobile communication devices" on the plane. Perhaps there is some humanity left out there. Perhaps the political system does work. We'll see.

I am continually amazed by just how inadequate my collection of mental maps is. I know I seem to be stuck on this topic, but I really just can't get past how inexact and usually also inaccurate my apprehension of the world has turned out to be. Whatever the cause – lacunae in my education, inability to retain, lack participation in world politics, a faulty mind's eye, secret conspiracies – a nice byproduct is that I get to have lots of geographical epiphanies. Did you know that the east side of South America is many time zones east of NY? (Credit that realization to my personal patent adviser.)

Anyway, if you would like to confuse the topography in your mind a bit further, Worldmapper has collected a vast array of area cartograms, "density equalizing maps," on all kinds of topics. They have a bulging, potentially guilt-inducing cartogram for your every mood. In keeping with the light tone of my adventure log here, may I bring to your attention "Travel Destinations" and "Travel Origins," below.

Travel Origins

Travel Destinations

I am left to conclude that the world tourism industry is supported primarily by the Germans going to France.

The displaced traveler

Mark Twain is so amusing on the subject of European travel, culture, and manners, it's hard for me not to quote him constantly. Indeed, few travel guidebooks are able to resist this temptation. A special favorite is Twain's witty, ironic observation:

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad."

But the even wittier line that follows, I've noticed, is often omitted from these guidebooks:

"I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass."

There's only so much the gentle reader of a travel book can take, I guess, is what they conclude. No need to be so blunt about it. Any observant fellow will figure this out himself, reading the faces of family and friends back home, as he tries to tell them he has trouble with English now or dreams in French or just can't stand the horribly inefficient train system anymore. Soon enough, he'll likely feel just as lame as he did ordering wine with his pizza or forgetting which cheek to kiss first or how to say "the check, please" in German. Let him plan his vacation in peace.

But, might I add, heaven help the friends and family of the unobservant fellow.

Well informed

We recently received a full-color pamphlet in the mail entitled "AlpTransit in Ticino" – 12 full-color pages with updates on all the public construction projects in the area. The Swiss passion for public works involving tunnels cannot be bridled.

I will admit to indulging in some semi-cruel laughter at the expense of this sincere little booklet before I considered how nice it is to know that someone is actually working on the highways and not just closing lanes to torment us like they do elsewhere (no doubt in retribution for all those highway workers we drivers apparently hit so often). I've already misplaced it or I would show you how classy it is. 

Side note that for some reason I am making very small: Although I have always thought trucking to be an interesting occupation which I would consider had I a willing partner and no other tempting employment, I will go on record to say that being a trucker in Europe seems like the worst job ever. Wait, drive through a tunnel, wait again, sleep by law, wait in line, wait in traffic... Maybe in Italy the truck stop food makes up for this, but I'm not sure how it could be worth it elsewhere.

Airport report

In reviewing recent photos, it's obvious we've spent a lot of time in the airport. In fact, I estimate that at least 15% of our photos were taken in or near one (an astounding statistic given our presence at a wedding, an anniversary party, and a baptism (with babies) during our visit). In the past three weeks, we've visited the following ports:

-London Heathrow (3 times)
-JFK New York (2 times)
-Lambert-St. Louis International Airport
-Will Roger's World Airport, OK City (2 times)
-Chicago O'Hare (2 times)
-Zurich Airport (2 times)
-Lugano Airport (2 times)
-Brussels Airport
-Milan Malpensa
-Milan Linate

Every airport has its own special character, so I would find it difficult to pick a favorite. OKC definitely had style, but its physical charm was rather neutralized by the blatant racial profiling occurring at security. Zurich felt the most high tech and secure; airport officials debuted the intimidating reverse-questioning technique: Who asked you to take something in your bag today? (Don't answer too quickly.) Bonus points also for the mooing and the cow bells playing on the tram.

Our luggage got left behind at the infamous Terminal 5 at Heathrow but it really wasn't the airport's fault, as we ourselves had to run to make our connection. But they do need some help with signage. At one point we got off the tram and, along with about 300 other people, stood dumbly for many minutes with no clue where to go from there. Apparently we were all supposed to pile in the elevator ("lift"). Are elevators seriously the best technology for people-lifting they could think of? Heathrow also wins the prize for the most workers. I think (I hope) at least 75% of them were undercover bobbies just pretending to polish the same handrail all day.

STL, Malpensa, Brussels, and Linate were pretty unremarkable, though STL gets points for having phone books, pay phones, and cinnamon pretzels just when we needed them. Most unpleasant of all was our stop at JFK, which had the unbearable stench of feet throughout. The people at security ineffectually sprayed disinfectant in the air after each person passed through.

I have more to say about these airports but I feel myself becoming less interesting by the paragraph. Being a good blogger means knowing when to say when.

Lezioni en route

1.  When traveling, the best order for things is: listen + translate + think + get on train.  Any other sequence may become problematic. 
2.  Your instincts probably work just fine when you are traveling, so don't stifle them.
3.  Though for many reasons it may seem like it, the word soppresso does not mean "surprise," but "cancelled."
4.  Monza, Italy has a very nice döner shop.
5.  Although you may at first feel a bit naked and pointless sans camera, you will adjust and eventually come to enjoy the freedom of not having to figure out the best angle for that statue or if the sun will make you squint and look like a chipmunk or whether it is even possible for you to photographically capture the essence of a place anyway. 
6.  Having no seat assignments on a plane is annoying, but worth the inconvenience just to see grown adults running across the tarmac in a frenzy.
7.  Honey counts as a liquid. 
8.  A winter high of 60 F/16 C is not that warm.
9.  If you repeatedly think there is something funky about the scale of your map, stop using it.
10. 1 LED flashlight + 3 pairs of striped socks + free parking space = 10€ well spent.

Reflections on the Traveler IQ Challenge

Some observations about the Traveler IQ Challenge, which may or may not have real-world implications: 

• Non-Egypt Africa did not show up until at least Level 6 (medium-difficult).
• The islands are so tiny you can't even see them.  Hawaii was miniscule; Tuvalu had no chance!
• The following countries are much huger than we're led to believe: Turkey, Kazakhstan, and New Zealand.  
• From my limited data points, it's clear that the Germans prevailed (I'm not suggesting a conspiracy, but did anyone notice how many locations in Germany there were?).  Or perhaps eine gute Karte ist halt ein guter freund.
• The midwestern United States appears to be a barren wasteland no one needs to know (or they saved it for Level 12).
• Croatia never showed up either.

Make of these observations what you may.  

If you took the quiz under duress of guilt at work, I suggest retrying at home for better results. Likewise, if you feel moderate to considerable shame about your score, you should really take it again. Unlike real IQ tests (I presume), you can easily raise both your score and your self-esteem (not to mention your map savvy). 

This quiz clearly reveals that you can think you know where something is without having any idea of its scale or relation to the rest of the world.  Maybe this is the real reason 1/5 of US Americans are unable to find America on a map.  

Traveler IQ Challenge

Ah, geography -- America's Achilles' heel.  I, like most other Americans, I think we can safely assume, shuddered to imagine quantifying my geographical literacy for anyone, including myself, to see. But you'll find that doing so is like touching a bruise: painful, yet oddly satisfying.  (Maybe there is a bruise on our collective heel?)  

Some advice for the quiz:  Speed actually does seem to matter, so if you have no idea, I suggest pinning anywhere ASAP.  Also, do not try to be too precise.  I spent too much time with my face up to the screen, trying to pin specific places in Italy, and I don't think it even mattered. They are generous with the points and accolades in this game.  

Take the Traveller IQ Challenge.

On my first try, I made it to level 6, but sadly didn't have enough points to move on.  Got stumped on Castries, St. Lucia, and Victoria something or other which was not actually an island but somewhere in London.  I found the US locations to be very hard.  Apparently I can locate Bern within 30 kilometers, but can't find Las Vegas to save my life.   

How did you do?  I'm interested to hear which country produces the most level 12 jedi heroes of cartography, so 'fess up.

Now if I could only find out where Croatia is....

Travelfever

One of the few bad things about the downfall of travel agencies in the US, it seems to me, is that travel has lost some of its mystery. Gone are the days of storefront longing, special travel agent favors, thick and official envelopes of red-carbon tickets, the days of returning home with a vacation like a car.... I suppose it's possible to get swept away into a daydream while comparing prices on the internet, but usually I'm stuck in the details, wondering if I've forgotten to search any web sites, if the uncertainty of bidding is worth the potential bargain, or if the price will go up if I wait another day.

Somehow, travel agencies are alive and well here in Europe (and I'm told still offer good deals). Thus, around every other corner or so, I'm faced with the temptation of flights and package deals, cruises and bus trips. It's actually perfect entertainment for someone who is pseudo-retired and in charge of trip planning. Sometimes I have to take a break when my imagination gets tired, or when I'm with the less-willing-to-linger-around-every-corner Swiss Mr., but I manage to spend a good deal of time peering into windows. Or else perusing the National Geographic-like travel magazines I've compulsively picked up, later at home.

The most interesting places to me are the dangerous ones (I never see any armed guards in the pictures but I know they're there!) or the forbidden ones, like Cuba and Tibet. I'm thinking maybe these savvy travel agents could arrange my trip to Bhutan, where tourism is controlled by the state government. (They charge a per diem fee, part of which goes toward the education system and your specially assigned, mandatory tour guide.) But I bet even they could not get me into North Korea. Although the DPRK web site makes it seem like anyone is welcome to come, if you read closely, you will see that only about 20 people per year are allowed to visit.

On being a tourist

The challenge of being a tourist is also one of the challenges of real life: that is, how to live in the moment without commoditizing it, romanticizing it, or simply not being present to it at all.

I often wonder why we take photos while traveling, especially when we rarely even step in front of the backdrop we're photographing to record our presence there. Once in a great while I will close my eyes and try to record everything sensible about a particular place and time - the nuanced smell of the air, the feel of the breeze on my face, the ambient noises, the exact angle of the sun - but more often I just steal a photo of it and hope it will conjure up these things later.

frosty Lucerne

This weekend, however, our main challenge was the weather: it was cold in Lucerne. I must admit not being very present to the beauty of our walk around the lake at sunset. I was however, fully aware of my chapped lips and freezing face. Winter weather is a terrible traveling companion.

A less self-conscious individual may have been able to embrace the cold, enjoy it even, but I'm still working on that. Things I did enjoy this weekend, despite (or because of) the cold: glimpses of snowy mountain towns from the train, hot coffee, remembering the German for "I'm sorry" and "thank you" two ways after spilling said coffee, watching culturally-savvy waiters at a Chinese restaurant, listening to Swiss German, seeing graffiti in progress, getting smirked at "Bahnhof Buffet," the smell of chesnuts roasting. Raindrops on roses. Whiskers on kittens.

Tomorrow: A report on Swiss jails.

Tainted by Rick Steves?

I am a a big fan of Rick Steves. We became good friends during that period last spring when we had three PBS stations and I could watch him every night. In general, I think he's a pretty smart tourist (even though he brings less underwear than he needs with the plan to wash it in the sink).

But Rick Steves is not a big fan of Swiss cities, I've gathered from reading his 2007 guidebook. Having vistited a grand total of zero other cities outside Lugano, I can't yet verify if he's correct or not. A Swiss newspaper does not think so, as I found when perusing Rick's website recently: http://www.ricksteves.com/plan/destinations/switz/geneva.htm

I like the part about having a "fine nose at adapting the concept of fast food to travel." Huh?